Have you ever noticed in your local community how many silly wellness day events there are? There are weekend festivals to help you understand the right amount of gluten-free cheese to be eating. As I walk through these events someone is inevitably acting like it is fun. They tell me the different events, “Over here in our over 50 tent we have the Hemorrhoids Help Group.” Give me a break.
If you are a troglodyte from the North American cave system, like me, you might be approached by all sorts of experts. By way of example, I hear a purple haired lady call out, “Sir maybe you would like to visit our vitamin tent? We offer a variety of vitamin C and D horse pills to keep your sores from festering.” Of course, they don’t tell you that you will be backed up for a week. They have another special laxative tent for that. “Try our special, oolong-colon blow tea, it’s guaranteed to work before you can get to the porta-a-jon.”
Someone talked me into getting my blood pressure checked to see how bad of shape I’m in. They had several unregistered nurses and some do-gooders standing by to help me. While I was sitting there one of the do-gooders asked me, “So what brings you to the wellness festival today?” To which I reply, “Oh just trying to get healthy and my wife wanted to walk through it.” Of course in the thought bubble of my mind I’m thinking just stop it already. I hate being here. I am only thinking about the BBQ sandwich my wife promised me later.
If you are lucky and I usually am, you’ll find some local shaman talking about the benefits of crystals. She might say something like, “If you place this rose quartz crystal on your forehead at night you will no longer have a migraine when you wake up.” To which, I think it is most likely because I rolled the crystal into my mouth and chipped my tooth. So even though my mouth hurts, my headache is now gone. And viola instant quackery. I just can’t do it anymore.
Maybe if they advertised something like, “There’s going to be a miserable group of sourpuss men in the Hemorrhoids Help Group tent, come make fun of them and it will make you feel better,” I would go. If you are going to host and put on a wellness festival at least stop acting like it’s fun or at a minimum have a BBQ truck off in the distance that we can burn calories walking to it.